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of Losing Oneself
"If you are
in love with someone who is afraid of commitment,
In this new world of relationship-phobias I have to confess that many, many years ago I was once with, what I like to call, a ‘merintho-philo-phobic’. Merinthophobia means the fear of being bound or tied up, and philophobia means the fear of being in love or falling in love.
This man basically feared anything that was a threat to his being the soul connection with himself. His sense of 'self' was very important to him and he guarded it like a valued treasure. He worshipped his privacy, and hated social gatherings. He didn't need nor want many friends, and even the few close friends he did have he often times found 'annoying' and 'invading' of his 'self' time. He felt any outside source was a threat to his 'personal' power, whether it was a co-worker, a buddy, the government, a family gathering -- even his girlfriends (of which there were very little). He treasured his alone time and felt violated and scared at the thought of having to share, or to give, of himself. He wasn't even happy in 'taking' because he thought of taking as an obligatory gesture -- one in which you were expected to give in return.
Beyond everything else, he hated feeling 'tied down'.
In other words, he was far too content and comfortable with himself, and any person who upset his 'self' time was surely out to steal his soul. His control. Eventually he turned everyone he cared about into a 'rival' -- a person whom he must confront as an enemy out to steal his self-power. Every relationship of his became a 'power struggle'. Him fighting himself over giving love and feeling threatened of losing himself in the process, and her fighting to get him to give of himself. Sad!
To him the word 'give' meant commitment and 'commitment' meant losing himself to another. He was very content enough with things being the way they were, and he was not about to open up and risk losing it all by letting another person in. To him, letting another person into his life was like handing over all his control and power that he held over his life – handing it over to that of another. Giving any of himself was not easy to him. Nor was taking. It all would boil down to fighting the submission -- fighting losing his sense of 'self'.
He viewed relationships of all kinds as 'mergers'. Where he blended into them and they blended into him – hence, a 'loss of self'.
So, he subconsciously started to evaluate and question every relationship he was in. He started to weigh the pros and the cons - and his phobia always ensured him that the cons outweighed the pros. He began to see that the relationship would require him to give up his 'free time' -- something he worshipped unrealistically. It would require his sharing and giving and taking -- all the very elements that were composed of 'losing' to him. He started to dread phone conversations as unnecessary 'warps' in his time, and he began to feel invaded by relationships, resenting the very person who demanded anything of him at all.
He then started to regret having even gotten in a relationship to begin with, and frantically searched for any reason at all to escape it, vowing to not make the same mistake again. Which only fed upon his phobia. Each and every relationship would become more feared and more suffocating.
What makes it so hard on the one who loves the merintho-philo-phobic is the feeling that they are constantly made to feel like they are the 'enemy'. In our relationship, ‘love’ became ‘war’ -- something I felt I must fight for, and something he was impelled to fight against. We became rivals instead of partners. Everything I said or did he twisted around as a direct attack against him - as if I were trying to 'suck the very life out of him'. Love is definitely a battlefield when you are with a merintho-philo-phobic!
The merintho-philo-phobic fights feelings of love. He denies his own feelings of love for another.
The merintho-philo-phobic will fight loving you.
Until the merintho-philo-phobic admits his phobias and confronts them, the best thing one can do is leave the relationship and find another lover who will not make them feel like the enemy.
~by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
LETTER FROM A READER
I just had to respond to My Life with a 'Merintho-philo-phobic' because it basically describes me to a T. I was quite shocked that everything you were listing were things that I did or how I felt, and seeing it written out like that makes me now realize it is a problem. A co-worker emailed me a link of all the different phobias, and I was laughing at the wierd things it listed. Something popped in my head that I may have a relationship phobia, which wasnt on the list, so I did a search and came across your article. I just had my 30th birthday so I had been recently thinking about such things. Im not sure what I hope to accomplish by emailing you, or where I go from here, but wanted to let you know you hit the nail right on the head with this one!
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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