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(in love with a CP)
My ex boyfriend is a textbook commitment phobe. My story is a sad one here it goes.
I met Jay through work. We both freelance in the TV Production industry and met 4 years ago. We hit it off right away. He was eleven years younger than me and was gorgeous by anyone's standards. I though, oh good I have a new friend, because you see I was married with two children We quickly became the best of friends, talking on the phone a few times a week or wed talk for hours after a shoot. It was then he started to reel me in. His sob story is that he was broken hearted by his ex finance that he found in a compromising position with another man. It had been four years since his breakup with her and had not really felt anything for anyone until he met me. Or so he said.
So, to make a long story short after knowing him six short months we talked about moving the friendship to another level, but that met the marriage had to end. Because I had never felt so loved before the leap was surprisingly easy. I was the light in his life, his salvation, he clung to every word I said, he gave me gifts, called just to tell me a joke, the sex was great, we liked the same music, food, movies, I never have been so loved. We talked about the future and about having kids. The fact that he is beautiful was icing on the cake. I thought OK I could spend the rest of my life with this guy. Or so I thought.
After about ten months he turned. The middle phase had begun. He became at times unkind, cool and distant. He would do things and go places and not tell me. He asked that I not call him everyday because he had nothing new to say. He was pushing me away. I was sure his behavior was my fault. I though maybe it was because my marriage was dissolving slower than he expected. Valentine's day came and went without even a card. Even though I was so very sure of his love for me, I didnt like being treated badly so I reluctantly broke up with him. Oh my, he was devastated. I thought, what have I done? I have hurt this tender wounded sole. I guess I must have misunderstood his behavior.
Well after about 5 weeks I took him back, thats when the roller coaster ride began. I expected him to be grateful for the second chance I had given him. But thats when the walls really went up. We started seeing each other about once or twice a week and sometimes he made me feel like even that was too much. I never went out with his friends. He said that because of the situation, the fact that I was only separated, he didnt want people to label him a home wrecker. He didnt want people to see us together. Now some of his closest friends new about me, but I rarely saw them. He said he wanted to be alone with me so all we practically ever did was go to lunch or a movie or have dinner at his apartment. He never wanted to meet my kids, or go to my house or meet my friends. He said that he would then get too attached and in case things didnt work out it would hurt him and he just couldnt bear to be hurt one more time. He wanted his weekends free because his friends are his lifeblood, his touchstone. All the while he was jealous of who I might be flirting with during the time I didnt see him, paranoid that I was seeing someone else and all in all rather insecure. I had convinced myself that he loved me so much and he was really never taught how to love someone. I was going to stick by his side. I just thought his behavior was because of his rotten childhood and his rocky past.
We went on like that for a few years. Some months were better than others. Hed invite me to some parties but act as though we were just friends. We saw each other on the weekends for several months, but then that abruptly stopped. When I wanted to talk about the change in him he would act like he had no idea what I was talking about. I felt like I was going crazy. The crazy thing is that he could be detached from me but if I for example didnt return his call within 3 or 4 hours, hed call asking whats wrong and if I was mad at him. I wasnt getting what I needed in the relationship, but felt like if I just tried a little harder things would come together, and wed get back to how wonderful everything used to be.
After the first of the year things ever so slowly began to decline. Inch by inch things became worse. I was included even less. He made new friends that didnt know about our relationship. If I ever needed him, just needed to see him, to see his face or touch is hand, he would he feel suffocated. Once after a tense evening together he told me straight up that we have no future, no future do you understand? I was sad but not devastated. Five days later he called me said he missed me and he loved me and was puzzled why havent I called him. I was confused and cautious. He didnt understand why I wasnt calling him more, why we didnt see each other more. He felt like I was pulling away, which I was, but after the comment about we have no future I was protecting myself. All the while emotionally he was keeping me at arms length. In the midst of all this mess he confided in me a secret. He had been sexually abused as a child. He has never told anyone that before. Or so he said. It was like he through me a bone to pull me back into the relationship. This, I thought, explained his behavior of not trusting anyone, why he had difficulty opening up. I usually dont take men on as projects but I had invested so much time and hurt so many people just to be with him, I stuck by his side.
I became suspicious that he was seeing other people. I would ask from time to time if he was seeing anyone else and he always said that he was an honest man and he would tell me if that ever happened. There were signs of infidelity from time to time but he always had an explanation. He continued to pull me in then push me away. But with every big push away incident I became more and more guarded. The roller coaster was exciting at first then it started to make me sick. What happened was after years of this behavior (his AND mine) my personality and self esteem was starting a fade, disappear. I was full of fire when we met, near the end of the relationship I was a wet dishrag.
Near the end of the relationship there was a series of things that acted as a catalyst to the breakup. First and foremost he was having severe financial troubles, trouble with the IRS and was very stressed. His work was slow and money wasnt coming in. To help pay the bills he got a new roommate. She is a woman friend who knows about me but shes knows the rest of Jays little secrets too. Anytime I was over she went out, he told her he wanted to be alone with me. I think he was concerned about what she or I might say to one another. That Im sure was stressful for him, keeping us apart. Another thing was that his best friend fell in love with a divorced woman with a kid and Jay was quite threatened by her. She wanted to get married and was going to break up the boys club, his life blood his touchstone. He started hanging out at a local bar and was drinking and smoking too much. In addition to that he had developed a nasty skin condition the doctor said was brought on by stress. Basically, he was having a bad summer.
The break up conversation went something like this... he said, crying the whole time, Im so afraid you are going to hate me but I just want to have fun. You know? I love you but you need to be with someone you can build a life with, Im no good for you, Ill ruin your life. I cant believe Im doing this after all you have done for me. ( he sobs) I think I need therapy. I am still hung up on my ex. Im just a drunk. You are the best person I know but we cant be together, I just cant do the kid thing. (Umm didnt he know I had kids from he start?) I love you. I wish we met ten years ago, everything would be different. I love you. I feel like I broke up your marriage and I cant live with that. I didnt plan this (yeah right) And, the thing that sticks in my brain like a dagger is how could you ever let me treat you this way? Oh gawd, I thought I was being kind to this tortured sole, now he just thinks Im pathetic. yuk. I asked him no less than twelve times if he had met someone else. He said an emphatic no. I asked him if he had ever been with anyone else during our relationship. Again, an emphatic no. I was so tired of the game that I gave no fight left. I said calmly that I needed to see other people and find someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I said because we work together I wanted to try to be friends. I kept my head up and left. I was very sad, I new he loved me but he was someone that just needed to be free of a commitment right now.
Two weeks after we broke up he started dating a quiet, mousy little bartender at the local bar hes been frequenting. I was heartbroken. This poor girl hes dating probably thinks she hit the jackpot, she found a beautiful, vulnerable man that is obsessed with her, and shes the only one that truly understands him. I think he is rebounding. I think its someone new he can tell all his sad stories to. I think shes an easy target, a new victim. They have been seeing each other for months now and he still tells people oh her? Shes not my girlfriend, were just hanging out together. Does this poor girl know that? I wish I could warn her, but shed never believe me. I also found out that he wasnt true to me like he swore, he had been unfaithful on more than one occasion. No real surprise but hurtful just the same. So much for being an honest man.
Now when he calls his voice sounds shrill and nervous and he says silly things to make sure I know that hes cool with his decision. After months of no contact I called to say hi. Several days later he called back saying, I meant to return your call earlier but I forgot that you called. (That one makes me laugh). We have to remain friendly because we work together from time to time. Thank goodness I haven't worked closely with him since the breakup. Funny he makes me feel like Im the one who broke up with him, that he again is the heartbroken victim of a failed relationship. Brother.
This is by far the hardest breakup I have ever gone through. The crazy thing is that considering his instability Im better off. I cant expose my children to someone like that. But still I miss him. I look forward to the day that I am at peace with all of this.
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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