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(In Love with
a CP) Ks story
First I would like to thank Steven Carter and Julia Sokol for writing Men Who Cant love. I dont think I would have been able to get through all of this without something to help me understand what the hell just happened to begin with.
After reading all of the stories I saw very much of myself and my CP in many of them. Although there are very many similarities, youll see my story has quite a few differences starting with the very beginning. Not only was I dealing with someone who is CP, but he also has an extremely bad temper and would fly off the handle at any given moment and had to control everything I did. He would break up with me if he even saw me look at someone else and complained continuously that he didnt feel good. It wasnt until I understood that there was such a thing as Commitment phobia that now makes his behavior make any sense.
You see, I was married, not happily. I met my CP in the gym where I train and when I saw him, I had to have him. He was to me, the most gorgeous thing I had seen in a very long time. I more or less pursued HIM, he didnt make it difficult. But right from day one,he left mixed messages. I propositioned him to paint his house, yeah right. He had just purchased a house for the first time in his life and was doing some work on it. I used that as leverage to get myself to his house. I was hoping he had the same thoughts as me, he did. We both took off of work and spent the day together; it was everything I dreamed it would be and more.
He told me a little bit about his past, his past relationships, and so on and soon. He told me that he had thought by this time in his life he would be married and have at least one child. He was married briefly, when he was 22 and for only 3 months. He blamed that on being young and dumb. Who would think any wiser? He had told me he had been in love only once and that she had broken his heart. After that day, we would meet in the gym and he would always see me afterwards, we would go parking or out to get something to eat. It started to bother him that I was still living with my husband so he would persuade me to come to his house and usually I would stay. I had to be with him so I left my husband after only 6 short weeks of meeting him.
We had gone to the shore a couple of times for long weekends and I had the time of my life. He bought me small gifts to remember the time we had spent together there. I thought he was sweet. After I got my own house he seemed to change just a little bit. I didnt think he made as much an effort to see me. He called me everyday, sometimes 4 times a day, usually at the same time. We more or less spent each night at each others house. He always told me he couldnt sleep in my bed, it made him itchy. He would come over to watch something on TV but never stayed all that long. I lived close to the gym so he would come to my house afterwards,it seemed to be getting later and later as time went by. He blamed it on the fact that he got out of work later.
One night in September, I went to his house, we were going to go out, and the phone rang. It was his X, the one he loved. It didnt even phase him I was there. He talked to her for about 30 minutes before I realized who it was and then I left. I went home and I would say about an hour later after he was finished talking to her, he tried to call me. I didnt answer the phone the first couple of times but he was persistent so I answered it. We talked briefly, but he could tell I was mad. He told me he told her about me,but I knew he was lying. The next day he came to my house and seemed genuinely concerned he hurt me.
That was the first time he asked me where I thought this was headed. I told him I thought we were having a relationship and he told me we were dating. He gave me some lame excuse about why his X called and I believed him. After that phone call, things changed drastically. He didnt sleep at my house, as much and it seemed like he stopped initiating sex. At least he didnt want to have sex as much as we were. Many times,when I went to his house he would be so preoccupied with something; I wondered why I was even there, so I left. I thought I was giving him space; he got angry and usually would call me to say that just because he was busy didnt mean he didnt want me to stay. Many times I felt he wanted me to leave and when I did that just made him angry. I started to feel like I didnt know what I was supposed to do. He would never tell me what he wanted me to do, he would say do what you want.
A few months later, one night he just disappeared. You have to keep in mind he called me everyday at the same time. So when I didnt hear from him one night, I figured something was up. I tried to call him every hour on the hour and finally at 12:30 am he answered the phone. He didnt want to talk to me, I asked him if something was wrong and he said he would talk to me tomorrow. Well, me being persistent, I told him I am awake and know there is a problem, either you tell me about it now or I am going to come over to your house. He didnt want me to do that so he said he would come over to me in about an hour.
When he didnt show up, I called him back. He told me his car got smashed and that is why he didnt come over. When I asked him how he smashed his car, he said he didnt that she did. She being his x-girlfriend. He then told me she was still there and that he had been out with her all night. We fought and argued for about an hour, I was devastated.
What I hadnt told you is a few weeks prior to that I had loaned him a couple thousand dollars. So on top of feeling betrayed, I also felt very used. I hung up on him and he called me back at6:00 am to see how I was. He told me we would go out to eat that evening to talk about it. I agreed. At dinner, I will never forget, he looked at me and said, Ill bet you would be willing to do just about anything to keep me right now. I said, probably but not only didnt I want to lose him, I didnt want to lose my money.
Well the next week he kept his distance, we talked and worked things out. I got frustrated and told him to more or less take a hike and he more or less kissed my butt to stay. He followed me around until I agreed to give him another chance. I did. Reluctantly. Things were ok for a while. He was a little more attentive and sex was good, but it didnt last.
A few weeks later he purchased two puppies. I understand you have to be home with them but after that he never slept at my house again. He now used them as his excuse to not come to my house, and he didnt. There were times he didnt know where I was or what I was doing and I would come home to him sitting on my porch waiting for me. He wouldnt go out with me and my friends and got mad when I did. I always invited him, and he said no.
He didnt take me to any work related functions and never introduced me to his friends. He never walked with me if we went somewhere and always walked 10feet ahead of me. The last 3 or 4months of our relationship was more or less talking on the phone. The only time I saw him was when I went to his house and I stopped sleeping over because I felt he really didnt want me to. I would go home and he would call me in the morning to come over and do something. It seemed like when I left he wanted me to stay and when I stayed he wanted me to leave.
I was feeling so confused at this point and when I brought it up to him he would say he doesnt want to talk about it. We never did. The last couple of times I did sleep over, he would get out of bed extremely early and wake me to go home,when I got home he would call me to come back and go get breakfast. Who knew what to do? He never told me he loved me, he said he doesnt say things until he knows what he is capable of giving first. He did things that made me believe he loved me. The way he looked at me was like noone had ever looked at me before. He looked at me as though he could see my soul. I didnt need to hear it, I felt it. He did say that there were so many things he loved about me, that I guess, in some ways, I do love you.
The last few months were rocky. It was a lot of back and forth. I started to back off because I didnt know what to do to make him happy anymore. I was frustrated and confused. I loved him; I still do and believe part of me always will. One day he called and we both agreed to end it. After a few days, I went crazy missing him and called him. We talked for a couple of days and he agreed to meet me for dinner. At that dinner he told me it was over, but the way he worded his words,gave me hope that after a while we would get back together. We called each other but never talked about the relationship. I didnt want to push, I thought maybe if we took it slow it would just come back on itsown. Then I couldnt take it anymore,every time we talked it gave me hope, but he wouldnt see me. I finally gave him an ultimatum and he called me and ended it. I was devastated. I did every thing I thought I could and it wasnt enough. I put more into this relationship than I did my ten-year marriage. It wasnt until I went into the bookstore to find something on self healing when I found Men Who Cant Love. Finally after reading it, I realized I wasnt crazy and that our whole relationship was just one big manipulation. I now know it wasnt me, not that it makes me feel a whole lot better but I have a better understanding of what happened that last two years. I have so many mixed emotions, which I think is why I am having difficulty getting over this. Because I do love him I feel sorry that he wont ever really have love in his life. I do miss the good times we shared. It broke my heart when he seemed to not even acknowledge that they even existed. I wish there was something I could do to help him however, even though he said things to me to make me now believe he knows he is commitment-phobic , he would never seek help.
I was so thankful to hear other people have gone through the same thing as me and if my story helps one more person that will be enough for me.
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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