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(In Love with
a CP) Ms story
I stumbled upon the book "Men Who Can't Love" by accident the other day and I read it cover to cover last night in less than 3 hours and feel like someone just hit me in the head with a hammer. This book could have been written by my ex.
Here's my story of an Alcoholic Commitmentphobic:
I was an unhappily married thirty-three year old woman. My husband and I had been great together in the early years both pushing each other to realize our financial dreams. We had one child but were both moving in different directions. I had everything anyone could want in life but not my one "true" love (ok I know fantasy). I had married my husband for stability and the American dream. I had a great career, lots of friends, an active social life and was attractive. I am just saying this so you can see that I had everything going for me.
Along came the CP. I met him at my country club where we both shared an interest in the same sport. I felt an immediate attraction to him. After all the frustrating years of being married to someone who was gone five days a week, I was a sucker for his attention. He was everything that I had wished I had married. For months I had fantasies about him and we had brief meetings here and there at parties. I knew he was attracted to me but wouldn't cross the line. Well finally one night out in a bar (which I never did) we ended up in bed together at his house. Boy was I his dream girl - married and unhappy and in no shape to ask for a commitment from him. Well he carefully pursued me and I soon asked my husband for a divorce. Now the divorce part was the best thing for me but the relationship with R was not. R would call my cell phone and we would have meetings. Boy was this exciting. When my husband moved out we became bolder and I would spend weekends at his house. We were still cautious as he didn't want to be seen as a home wrecker since according to him we had such a future together. I was convinced that he was my true love.
R was the kind of guy that all the other guys wanted to be. By the way he was thirty years old. He had a flexible job and worked out of his house. He was the classic still living in the frat house college grad. His best friends all lived in the same house together and threw wild parties weekly (of course I wasn't invited to any of these parties). Rs friends all confessed that he had the perfect life - independence, his own house (unusual) and all the women he wanted. He acted like nothing and no one could tie him down. He was the life of the party. His motto seemed to be live in the moment or seize the day. He ate out night and day and never liked to be alone. He had a string of pretty ex-girlfriends (although he wouldn't call them girlfriends) but had never been really close to being married. R loved to do everything in excess eat, drink, exercise, sex, wash his hands, etc. He did everything to the extreme. He was born overweight but controlled it through intense exercise and was a good looking guy.
Well R painted a different romantic picture for me in the beginning. I was everything he wanted - sexy, secure and fun. He even cried for me and told me about his grandparents and how much they loved each other and how he wanted love like that one day. We had long talks on the phone and at meals. I was so touched by his passion and how he seemed to want the same things that I wanted. I overlooked his insecurities as well as he passion for getting totally drunk twice a week (without me). I just laughed when he asked why I liked him - I made more money, had a bigger house, socially on another ladder, etc. I thought he was being funny. I did meet his friends but never in a party or bar setting. They all loved me. He seemed so proud that they did. He had some quirks but he was so much fun to be with, I overlooked them.
So the beginning was bliss. Entire weekends together at his house. Eating, drinking and having fun. The sex was okay. We had a very strong attraction for each other. He was a very selfish lover but I didnt care, I was in love with this guy. I did things for him that I had never done before for any man like backrubs and cooking. I had always been the queen in the relationship. I thought "wow this is love, I am willing to do all these things for him". All the while I sensed something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. He always introduced me as the "girl I am dating". Unlike the CP in book, he was extremely conscious of labels. I was not his "girlfriend". He didn't like that word. He didn't tell me he loved me outright. He would tell me things like "I love spending time with you. I call you all the time. Don't you know how I feel about you?". He hadn't had a relationship this long in years. Most of them had lasted around 3 months or so. I found it odd but didn't want to push. I overlooked his tendency to not want to sit by me, walk by me or be in the bed with me for long. He simply couldn't do it. He would walk ahead - I was too short and couldn't walk fast enough.
Then the middle started. Our first fight occurred when he started backing off. Instead of all weekend, he needed space. Okay Friday night was his night out and we would spend Saturday and Sunday together. We had also been spending lunches, afternoons and at least one night a week together. All of a sudden, he needed space. He then went on a trip to Florida with his best friend, his girlfriend and other girl. I was supposed to be okay with this. All the while I was ripped with suspicion that he was interested in this other girl. He insisted that she had a guy going with her. Now instead of daily phone calls, I wouldn't hear from him for a day. I would get 3 A. M. phone calls when he arrived home from a night out. He would make me tell him everything I did when I went out and would even come to the club where I did my Friday night dinner group and watch me while I was there.
Emotionally now that I look back he was in panic. I was too clingy he said. I needed anger management therapy. I needed to be less dependent and more independent. I stupidly agreed with all of this and proceeded to being therapy for MY problem. We had agreed from the beginning that we were in a monogamous relationship. Unlike the men in the book, he had a clean fetish and a problem with alcohol that possibly prevented him from sexually cheating (I think). He would wake up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the sofa. We would wake up in the morning and he would leap out of bed and go in the other room to visit with one of the endless line of weekend visitors that was sleeping at his house. His behavior became bizarre. He no longer wanted me to come over on the weekdays. He was just too busy with work and if I did he acted funny. Why was I so hyper? I wanted affection. He wanted to watch TV. He didn't want to be with anyone every day. It wasn't me it was him. He simply demanded his freedom. Oh, that battle cry of freedom got louder and louder.
He then started to really panic. The closer my divorce became to being final the weirder he got. We started to do real couple things and come out of the closet socially. That's when he really freaked out. We would have an argument and he would get so upset he couldn't sleep. He never wanted to talk about our relationship. I am a talker, I wanted to talk about it. He always turned everything around on me. How I wanted to control him. I wanted to change him. If I couldn't accept him the way he was then this relationship wasn't going to work out. He then told me he wanted me to date other people so that I could see how it was out there. If I showed up at the bar he frequented he would visibly ignore me and fragrantly flirt with other women. Of course the next day he wouldn't remember because he was falling down drunk. He then started in on the things I couldn't change. We were too much alike. He didn't know how he was going to handle my daughter (who by the way he never met). He literally was ripping my heart out. He began excluding me and picking fights with me all the time. We would break up and get back together. The closer we got to love, the harder he pulled away. We would have a wonderful day together and then he would do something to really make me mad. He would go out with a bunch of young girls and his bar-owning friend. He would call me at 3 A. M. and wonder why I was angry the next day. Finally, he had pushed me so hard that I would yell at him. I would tell him there were two hims. The one that I had when we were alone and the one that was him in public. That really set him off. I accused him of seeing other women (it sure felt that way) and that made him madder than ever. I didn't trust him. He was mad and he felt guilty. Even my presence now made him feel guilty.
He was visibly upset. So he finally talked me in to ending it - literally. He told me if he wasn't what I wanted and if he didn't make me happy then we had to end it and salvage a friendship. He told me to give it a few months and that if we still had feelings for each other then we could try again. Of course, he didn't tell his friends that. They were relieved to have their old friend back to party with and all told me to move on - that's just the way he is. Didn't they know what he had told me. Didn't they know I was different. Ha! The joke was on me. His friends knew and the ones that liked me the most told me to move on that he would only hurt me now. Well I was a glutton for punishment and did everything I could to continue to see him including offering sex. I was so in love with him and so hurt that all I could see was how I had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me. He told everyone that we had just dated at a bad time in my life - right after marriage. At this point it was amicable. That is until he showed up at a football game with a date. Oh, now that hurt. Here I was sleeping with him hoping to reconcile and the date. I was devastated. I got nasty with him and really told him off. He of course insisted that she was a friend (which actually she was) but the public display was socially humiliating for me. I was now the one rejected. I could hardly keep it together for the next two months. He evidentially told all his friends that I was insane. How humiliating that was. He was as happy as he could be - happier than I had seen him since we first started dating. I was not the social outcast. I didn't fit in with my married friends anymore and all my new friends were his friends since I had spent so much time with him.
He wouldn't return my belongings so I emailed and asked to have them returned. He used this to iniated contact with me on Thanksgiving Day. Of course he was not on the way to his parents house because they drove him nuts. He was on the way to our favorite couple friends house to eat. Of course he knew they would ask about me and he called me. We then started speaking again. He would call or email every once in a while. I still wanted him back. We then started sleeping together again. Unfortunately our two best friends were dating and they started talking. Seems both of them wanted to protect me and they both jumped his case for leading me on. He then wanted it to be a secret. Off and on again for the last two months we have been having sex and secretly seeing each other. Well at first that's all it was and we were both okay with that. He comes back from visiting his grandmother for Christmas and who is the first person he calls - me. Well he came on strong and here we were back to the beginning again. I asked him to a big social event and he flat out refused. Not only did he refused but he wrote me a nasty email about how he just wasnt "prepared" to go on dates. In fact he saw no future for us at all. We were just too alike. I had to have control and so did he (the intangible). I immediately cut him off again and told him that if he would take me out in public then he could kiss off. Well, he begged, he pleaded and I told him okay, we can be friends. I have told him that I am going to date other people. He gets all agitated when I tell him that. Of course he is not looking for a girlfriend (yeah right).
So new dilemma. Can you be friends with a CP? I am committed to not allowing myself to love him anymore. Can I do it? Well after six months of therapy and 8 months of this insane relationship I am finally healthy and happier than I have ever been in my life. I am ready to move on to a real relationship. There were things about him that were different from the Men Who Can't Love Book. The excessive behavior, the drinking, the "can't be alone thing" were all unique.
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