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Story ( involved with a CP)
Well, I never thought of myself as someone who was easily fooled, especially when it came to love. Boy, was I wrong. I spent two long, painful years with a very confused man who had (and still has) a severe fear of commitment.
I started working with Dean in 1998. He was just married, and I had been married for a year. I wasn't initially attracted to him, but I thought he was a really nice guy who was easy to work with. By the year 2000 I was very unhappy in my marriage and had started marriage counseling. Around that same time, Dean and I were asked to work on a project together that involved the two of us working exclusively together every day.
We started to get to know each other, talking a lot, and having lunch together every day. We became attracted to one another. Before I knew it, he was coming on very strong - telling me he was in love with me (and that he had been for a long time), how I was the perfect woman, how much better I was than his wife, how he wanted to be married to me, wanted me to be the mother of his children because I was so much more like him than his wife.
Because of my failing marriage, my self-esteem was at an all time low. Like a sucker, I believed every word he said, and fell head over heels. After 4 months (and our first sexual experience) we decided together that we would each tell our spouses, get divorced, and then be together. I immediately told my husband, who kicked me out of the house.
Dean, on the other hand, could never quite find the right time to tell his wife. Weeks went by. It was one excuse after another - always the wrong time, something else was going on, etc. Finally, 6 months after I told my husband, Dean still hadn't gotten around to telling his wife. I was divorced by this time. His wife had even found a journal of his where he had written about his feelings for me, but he told her they were just feelings and nothing "physical" had gone on between us.
He told me they were going to try to work it out. I said fine, and told him I was moving on with my life. Meanwhile, little by little he started talking to me again - filling my head with the promises... promises that we would be together soon. I kept waiting... and waiting. After another few months of this, I got fed up. I told him that I was thinking of going out with someone else. He was furious! He actually had the nerve to tell me "You are hardly divorced!" He cried, calling me at all hours of the night saying he was going to leave her, begging me not to go out with anyone else.
I went along and waited some more. Finally he told her he wanted a divorce, but told her it had nothing to do with me (somehow he made me believe he was doing that for my protection). She asked him to go to counseling, and he agreed. At this point I told him I was tired, and they should just work on the marriage. I asked him to leave me alone. Of course he freaked out even more, calling me constantly, e-mailing me at work all day and coming in my office constantly. Again, he talked me into believing in him, and I agreed to stay with him.
A few months later his divorce was final and he moved out of the house. At this point he told me "now it's our time" blah, blah, blah. This lasted for about 3 weeks, and then I started to notice the distance. He would make up excuses for not coming over, and at work would leave his office door shut for most of the day. Then finally on a Sunday morning he called (after we had been together the day before) and told me "I just can't handle this relationship right now," and then later in the conversation, "but please leave your heart open to me." I said, "That's fine if you can't handle this relationship, but I'm going to get on with my life." I figured he was either still seeing his ex, or was messing with someone else.
This lasted about 2 weeks. You can imagine how painful and hard this was at work. He finally came in my office telling me how he missed me, how he wanted me back, how he made such a terrible mistake. He wrote poems and love letters BEGGING me back. I told him I was considering moving to another city, and he said he would glady move there just to be with me. I thought he finally was being real. I caved in after a few weeks of his begging.
He had also told me he was seeing a therapist. I thought him seeing a therapist would really help his indecisiveness. Things were fine for a couple of months, then I began to feel the distance again. His ex was calling him constantly (or at least that's what he would tell me. Now I'm pretty positive he was calling her). When he FINALLY told her that he was going out with me (we went to a pretty big party where he knew word would get back to her), she became extremely upset with him. At the time I thought it was odd that she would get THAT upset, since they were divorced, but now I realize it was because he was doing the push and pull thing with her, too. So, one minute he wants me ("we're going to get married - I want you to be the mother of my children"), the next he's pushing me away "I can't handle this right now"), but eventually things started to settle down.
But, not for long with a CP! Thanksgiving rolled around, and a friend of mine told me that she heard that Dean was still asking his ex to get back together with him. I was furious and confronted him. At first he denied it, but then eventually admitted it. I told him it was over. Finished. Done. He begged my forgiveness... even had his sister call me to tell me how upset he was. I made him suffer. I waited a few weeks, but then like an idiot, I took him back.
What made me really frustrated was when we got back together, I started asking a lot of questions. I asked why he had been doing what he had been doing. What was he saying to his ex? Did she know how involved he was with me? Did he sleep with her? He got very defensive about these questions, and acted like I was crazy for asking him. He made me feel as though I had no right to ask. Christmas came and went. He was telling me things like "Just think, we'll be married this time next year, and hopefully pregnant!"
Around the first of the year he found out his ex had a new boyfriend. He didn't have to tell me - I could tell he was devastated. He again became distant and soon I heard the familiar "I can't handle this relationship right now". We quit talking for a week, and then I gave in. This time I begged him back, and he accepted. A week later he told me he had gone out with a girl from church while we were 'broken up".
At this point I couldn't stand the thought of losing him, so I accepted the fact he had gone out with someone else (am I an idiot or what??). For about a month things were great. We started buying furniture together, and talking about when we would get married (at this point he got a new job, so we weren't working together anymore). Then, out of the blue, he started acting distant. Coming up with excuses not to spend time with me. Not wanting to be affectionate or sexual. Saying mean things to me.
This went on for about a month and I FINALLLY started to figure it out. This would never end. There would always be a problem as long as I was involved with him. I asked him what was going on. He denied anything being wrong, and accused me of being depressed. I wouldn't accept it. I asked him again a few days later. Again, nothing. Finally I just sat him down, said, "I am tired of this - what is going on?" He broke down and said he couldn't handle our relationship right now, and he needed a "break". I said fine. Let me know when you are ready for a relationship. He didn't call or talk to me for a week. Then he called, but kept it very platonic - talked about work, the weather, anything but our relationship.
I realized that as much as it hurt, I didn't want this relationship anymore because it hurt too much. I went to a mutual friend's party, and he was there. Very affectionate (hugged me when he saw me and again when I left) and was very attentive. He e-mailed the next day saying that a friend of his commented on how nice I was which made him feel like a "schmuck". He also said he was sad when I left the party, couldn't I tell? I e-mailed back (trying my best to be cool) saying there was no reason to feel like a schmuck or to be sad. We realized that we're better off as friends, and that is just the way life goes. No hard feelings. (!)
Then he started calling and not leaving messages. I have caller ID so I could tell when he called. Now it's been a month since our break-up, and more than a week since we've had any communication. I would be willing to bet a hundred bucks that he is seeing his ex, the girl from church, or some other poor girl. It's been a long, hard month, but I know now that I am much better off without him in my life. I realized that I wasted two years of my life trying to make him love me - the fact is a CP will never be able to love unless he/she gets some therapy to find out why love and commitment scares them so much.
For anyone who reads this story and it sounds familiar, I suggest getting out while you can. It will be very hard, but family, friends and a good therapist can do wonders. Find someone who can really give you ALL of them - not just some crumbs here and there. You're worth more than that - I know I am.
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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