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Story (In Love with a CP)
They say like attracks like. I knew I had commitment issues, but I always thought I just had not met the right person. I felt that when I met that person, I would know in my gut. I was 45 years old, never married, though close a few times. I had a job where I travelled most of the time, so it was difficult to meet men. I ended up joining a dating service in the major city that I lived in. This guy, Ken selected me, shortly after I joined the service. I read his profile and looked at his picture. He was not all that attractive, but we shared many of the same interests and was 9 months younger than me (he too was never married). So I responded "yes" to him.
The first couple of dates I thought he was a nice guy, but was not that attracted to him. He made me a couple of CDs of the music we both liked. I took them on a business trip and listened to them in my spare time. I wrote a short e-mail to him on that trip and told him that I really enjoyed the music. From that point on, I got e-mails from him every day on that trip. I looked forward to coming back to my hotel room to communicate with him every day.
He pursued me like no other man had ever done. I was swept off my feet. He seemed to be the perfect mate. He was a first vice-president of a major financial institution in the city. So we went to some great restaurants, theatre, the symphony and many other wonderful events. He was fulfilling my fantasy partner. We shared a great sense of humor, came from the same type of family backround and seemed to share the same values. On our fourth date, he had tears in his eyes stating that he was so happy he met me. I was taken by this and fell hook, line and sinker. I just kept telling myself it was worth the wait for all these years!
We started making future plans for the holidays and was going to come out to California after my business meeting and tour the wine country in January.
I was looking forward to New Year's eve. We were going to a "Murder Mystery Dinner". The week before Christmas I noticed a little change in him. He seemed to be a bit critical of me. I just thought that we've been dating almost 3 months and he was relaxing and showing me a bit of himself. The last day we were together he told me I was the best Christmas present he could ever have. That evening we went to my uncle's wake and he met most of my relatives. On the way to dropping him off at his apartment I had to get gas. He filled up my tank and got back in the car. I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him. All of a sudden he started hyperventilating and rubbing his hand on his legs. At first, I thought he was shivering from the cold.
Now I realize he was having a panic attack. When I dropped him off in front of his building. He was very matter-of-fact in saying good-bye and told me to have a safe trip home. No good-bye kiss, nothing. I was so puzzled by this. I went home and sent an e-mail to him so he would get it when he got to work. In the e-mail I said things were not normal between us and I wanted to talk about it. He did not respond. We talked twice a day every day if we were not together. So now I thought, he needs some time alone. So I did not try to contact him for a couple of days. I left a voice mail message at work. He did not respond. I waited another day and left a voice mail message at home asking him to give me some closure if he did not want to continue this relationship. He never gave me the consideration of a response.
The week after the new year I got a box from him. In it was a couple of CDs he had borrowed, a framed picture of me he had asked me for and a travel coffee mug he used one morning leaving my house. The coffee mug had not been rinsed out! I felt that was a sign of anger. There was no note or any communication from him.
I was devastated by this behavior. At first I wondered what I had done. If we had a fight, I could make sense of it. But there was no fight. He did try to pick one that last day were together, but I did not respond to it.
I think the universe gives you direction and answers to questions in mysterious ways. I went to the bookstore to see if I could find a psychology book and I found Steven Carter's "Men Who Can't Love". Ken fit the profile to a tee. Then I found "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and started to understand my passive commitment phobic behavior. (The fantasy). I also found the book "101 lies men tell women and why women believe them" another helpful resource in understanding this chaotic situation.
Being in therapy before this happened showed me that I still needed to do more work. It is now close to a year that Ken disappeared on me. He is still an active member in the dating service. (I wonder how many other women he has done this to?) I have dated other men but nothing long term. This past year was a year of grieving, learning about myself and my own behavior in relationships and learning to be self-protective. I would never wish this situation on anyone. But, I needed to go through it in order to learn and do things differently for the future. It is not an easy task, but a very necessary one if I want happiness for myself in the future.
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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