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Story (CP who seeks other CP's)
My initiation into the CP world began about 4 years ago. I am a 28 (soon to be 29)-year old woman living in Texas. I met 'M' through a dating service, not that I have ever had a problem attracting men, but I wanted to weed through all the bs and find someone of substance to form a solid relationship with.
When 'M' and I were together I had no idea that committment was a phobia to some, never did I encounter the phrase until after the breakup. Now I could write a book on the subject. Breakups are never easy anyway, but the way that 'M' broke up with me threw me into a pit of depression, anger, self-doubt and self loathing. I am of Indian and Arab descent, therefore I have dark skin. 'M' was caucasian.
We were together for 2 years and had a seemingly blissful union, deeply in love, in perfect sync with one another until the day he announced to me 'I don't think we should see each other anymore' I sort of laughed and asked 'why not? Are you kidding?' I honestly thought he was making a bad joke at the time. He responded by saying that he hoped to have kids in the future but he would want them to have blond hair and blue eyes.
The pain of those words just seared through my soul (I have black hair and dark brown eyes) and to hide my pain I very flippantly said 'well, we will just have to adopt you a couple of those then' and smiled at him. But, at that point I knew that he was the biggest jerk that had ever walked the face of God's earth. We did the back and forth thing for a while, you know the typical CP pattern, but all the while it tore me apart, so I just had to make a clean break, and I did.
After months of crying, staying in bed, sleepless nights, social isolation, I decided that I was too damn smart, too damn cute and had way too much going for me to let my life pass me by. So I hit the ground running, I MADE myself be happy, until it just became my nature. My zest for life showed in everything I did. I took up SCUBA diving, I took dance lessons, I re-connected with the awesome friends who had stood by me, cried with me and cried for me as they looked on helplessly as I let months waste away in my selfish pit of despair. I excelled in school. I threw a huge party. Nothing was going to slow this girl down.
Well, I regained my balance and found the strength within me to become the confident, happy person I am today. I studied the book 'Men Who Can Not Love' religiously, making notes in the margins, and further expanding those notes into what is now a manuscript. And thus I healed myself.
November 2000. Enter CP number two, 'W'. The thrill of a new relationship was something I had not experienced in a while, so I was receptive. But very cautious. He pursued me endlessly, would not leave me alone, could not do enough for me, could not spend enough time with me, you know the CP drill. Armed with the knowledge gained through extensive research and my own insight, I felt confident in dating once again, so I gave him a chance.
Well, a CP is a CP is a CP. A leopard can not change his spots, but this leopard hung himself. I caught him in several lies. He left cards from his supposed ex in plain view for me to find, recent e-mails that he had printed out and left casually lying around. I never snooped, he left all these on the dining table, face up. I had a key to his apartment, and he, being a fireman had to work 24-hour shifts so I came over to walk his dog, being the loyal, helpful girlfriend that I was.
When I asked him about the cards and the e-mails (which mentioned them meeting, having lunch, going to the mall, basically seeing each other) he accused me of snooping, and I honestly had not, they were left in plain sight for me to see. He knew I had total access to his apartment, and I told him that I believed he had intended for me to see those since they were left face up on an uncluttered dining table.
I told him that I was going to ask him some questions and I needed him to be very honest and straightforward with me. (Yeah, right. A CP does not even know how to SPELL honesty!) A couple of weeks prior I saw that he had a pretty nice looking Palm Pilot, brand new. I asked if his parents had given it to him for Christmas, and he said no, a friend of his who works for Compaq had received a huge shipment of them, and had in turn given one to him. This is a $300 piece of equipment, no way would someone just give them out like candy.
I asked if the ex had given it to him, he said no. (LIE) I asked if he had seen her, he said no. (LIE) I asked if she had been in the apartment, he said no. (LIE) I asked if he had sex with her since we started seeing each other, he said no. (LIE) This is how he hung himself. That evening, his cell phone rang, and he was in the laundry room, I knew it was her, so I answered the phone. It was not my intention to be bitchy or mean to her, and I was not. I just wanted some answers. And she provided me with the truth. She answered 'yes' to the above questions, which was my suspicion anyway. I was still on the phone with her when he walked back in. I put my hand on the mouthpiece and said to him 'you know who I am on the phone with, don't you?' he gave me a puzzled look. I said her name. He turned white as a ghost.
I said goodbye to the girl, wished her luck, and advised her that since he had done this to her once, he would probably do it again. I handed him the phone, picked up my keys, walked out of the apartment and never looked back. He never attempted to contact me, and nor have I. About 3 weeks ago I was with a group of friends at a bar and I kept looking at this guy across the bar, he looked oddly familiar to me, but I could not place the face. It suddenly dawned on me that it was 'W'. Funny how the mind can choose to block out certain images through sheer will. He saw me looking at him, and we did not exchange a word, shortly thereafter he got up and left.
October 2001. Enter CP number 3, 'B'. Ok, does anyone see a pattern emerging here? I was happily single, casually dating here and there, nothing serious at all. 'B' approached me at a trade fair. I was instantly attracted to him. Good looks, sweet demeanor, there was just something about him that immediately appealed to me. We exchanged cards.
He called a few days later and we went out that Saturday night. Had a wonderful night, we talked and a spark was ignited. We spent the night together and it was wonderful. He was so obviously impressed with me that he said he wanted to take me home to meet his parents who are in another state. First thing the next morning he was on the internet checking out online airfares so that we could fly up there to meet them.
My first red flag came up. Too much too soon I thought. I told him that I could not go. Anyway, we are still seeing each other, and the plan is for me to go home with him over Christmas. But a pattern that mirrors my two prior CP relationships is beginning to emerge. His company transferred him to Texas on a short-term contract but he accepted a permanent position before we met. Lately he has been talking about how unhappy he is with his job, how he is deeply in debt and needs to find a higher paying job to get out of debt.
A couple of weeks ago he mentioned that he had talked to some headhunter on the phone who told him about a marketing job that would entail him being on the road for one year. He is considering taking this job because it will supposedly get him out of debt and he said that 'he needs to look out for himself' All along I have been on the alert for red flags. I have come up with seven. Rocky relationship history, job instability and the list goes on. They all indicate CP behaviors ranging from unrealistic fantasy-type illusions about relationships to unease about signing a one-year lease on an apartment to leaving Texas and maintaining a long distance relationship with me. Classic CP behavior.
So, that is where this chapter ends. I keep picking these CP types, which is leading me to believe that I may have some commitment issues of my own. I am considering not going home with him over Christmas. Why should I drag something on and go through the trouble of meeting the family if nothing is going to become of it. Perhaps this sounds very pessimistic. Maybe I was so badly burned that I am just gun shy. Who knows? What I do know is that I am at a crossroads right now. I can either let my curiosity and optimism dominate by staying in the relationship and seeing where it leads. Or, I can exercise caution and pessimism and bow out gracefully before I am in too deep. Which path will I choose? Well, that remains to be seen.
From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!
Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)
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