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Getting To Commitment Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language, and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment issues or involved with someone who is.

He's Scared, She's Scared Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.

Men Who Can't Love This book saved me from going crazy and from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded just like the people in this book she'd read - "Men Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the same time.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality This is a great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual to other are understandable and can be explained and treated.

While I define "commitment phobia" as "an unrealistic fear of making a promise, a pledge or a vow to be a faithful and loyal partner to another person," many singles may also fear that becoming a committed couple means giving up, or losing, their independence.

It's not uncommon for singles to fear that commiting to be a life-long relationship challenges the safety and comfort they perceive as benefits of being single. Remaining single does have its advantages. You can come and go as you please, leave your dirty clothes or dirty dishes alone for as long as you want, and spend your time and money independently. And, you can choose to reveal to the world whatever parts of yourself you want to reveal, and keep your weaknesses and vulnerabilities hidden.

In most contexts, our fears are designed to keep us away from dangerous situations. It's healthy and normal to fear snakes, loud noises and bad smells, and we protect ourselves by running away from them. But in order to create a trusting and intimate relationship with a partner, one has to confront fears and take emotional risks.

Accomplishing this goal requires confronting the fears of what you're "losing," and focusing instead on what you're gaining -- trust, intimacy, closeness -- the rewards of a loyal and loving partnership. So, how might this be accomplished?

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The first step is to acknowledge that you actually do want to share your life with someone. I've worked with many singles who don't succeed in finding a relationship because they are ambivalent about really wanting one. Getting clarity on your life goals is part of the first step to attaining them. So start by identifyng what you truly want.

The second step is to acknowledge your fears, recognizing that they have kept you from achieving your goals all along. Knowing that you fear rejection, change, or loss of independence is important so that you can develop strategies to overcome them. This kind of strategizing can be done with a trusted friend or mentor, or even a coach. This person can help keep you honest, and focused, as you pursue your relationship goals.

The third step is to learn how to pace the development of a relationship. Many singles get caught up in passion and lust during a relationship's early stages, only to back away when the time comes to making decisions about the future. Other singles are so hesitant to open up that they become "stingy" with their time and attention. Figure out what's best for you, as long as you keep things moving forward.

The fourth step is to "make a commitment to see if we should make a commitment." Agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship is a good way of practicing your commitment skills. Focus on discussing your life goals and dreams together, as well as revealing aspects of your inner selves to one another. Doing so will provide ample opportunities to experience trust, closeness and intimacy.

I'd like to say that there is a definitive final step. But if you've gotten this far, then the last step is one you should've been taking all along -- recognizing that being in a committed partnership offers you the most opportunities to be all that you can be in this world. Couples in healthy relationships are devoted to mutually empower one another to be high-functioning contributing members of society. Successful people frequently give their partners credit for their achievements.

Seeing commitment phobia as the loss of one's individuality and independence is therefore unrealistic. There is so much to be gained in a life with a partner that supercedes the alleged "loss" of independence. It admittedly takes risk, but by following the steps outlined above, perhaps you'll finally experience how the benefits outweigh the "loss" in the end.

© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.

About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the "Love Coach" advice column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her "Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com

From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! A ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment. Get the Commitment Phobe to Make a Commitment! Join Our Awesome Community and talk with other CPs and CP Lovers!

Dream Chasers: The Commitment Phobe Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitment phobic person, in less than two minutes! (NOTE: This webBook is free when you join our community!)

Fellow CP's and CP lovers! Let's hear your stories!

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